It started with the jersey number. Then it resurfaced with a story a mom was telling me, my blood boiling, the nodding of my head in empathy ... and the realization that this situation needed to be addressed.
I blew it off for a while, and didn't say a word. I was merely a listener, realizing that we WERE WARNED NOT TO TALK NEGATIVE about anyone or anything at anytime or anywhere ... and to walk away from the parent and their concerns. But it kept happening. And it mostly happened in my house, in my car, in the parking lot, over my phone...
I blew it off again and again. Why? From Fear, mostly... the paralyzing kind. The kind where your hands get clammy on the steering wheel thinking about talking to the coach before practice starts as you drive your kids to the field.
The kind that keeps you up almost 'til midnight -- laying still so as not to bother your spouse as you see the person's face in your mind ... trying to lay out what you're going to say. Visualizing the discussion and how it SHOULD go.
The kind of Fear that lingers as you shower, as you eat, as you read, as you drive, as you sip your coffee.
Enough. Tonight is the meeting, finally. I'm going to be so relieved that it's going to be over. I have a letter to help me with the main points that they can have after we're done. They're worried I'm going to go to the school. They said if I go to the school then they're going to decline my kids to be involved in the program in the future.
I'm going to smile, I'm going to be grateful -- and be nice. I even have some compliments for them. Other than that, I'm filled with Fear. I am the conduit for many moms, but my blood boils too.
Cool it for now, I will be nice, but my claws are right under the surface. They're there pushing me towards the Fear, letting me sit in it and feel it's greatness. They WILL come out if they have to.
Wish me luck...
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